If you have recently gone through a separation or divorce, you have undoubtedly come through an extremely difficult period of conflict and sadness and may be feeling considerable anxiety about the future, You may be particularly concerned about your children's welfare and worry about how they will respond to a new life. It's possible that you may even have delayed the separation to avoid what has now become the inevitable - splitting the family or single parenting.

It may help to know that ongoing conflict can be more damaging to a child than life after separation. Children are remarkably resilient and flexible and once they are past the initial trauma, they usually ease into their new lives.

Tips To Help You And Your Child Adjust

No matter how civilized your particular separation may have been, you have lived through intense emotional trauma and need to grieve for the loss of an important relationship. It is important that you allow your emotions time to recover and build your physical strength for the challenges that lie ahead.

• Remind yourself that it is okay to feel angry, guilty or sad. These are all normal feelings and you need to allow yourself to feel them before you can release them.
• Take time to treat yourself. Have a massage. Join a gym. Enjoy a leisurely bath.
• Accept the help that is offered. Your family and close friends will feel better for helping you, so accept their invitations to baby sit, cook, run errands or lunch.
• If some old friends seem to have moved over to your ex-partner's side, accept that it happens. Move on and make new friends!
• If you can possibly avoid it, don't rush into making long-term decisions. Some quick changes are inevitable but delay everything else. Give yourself time to adapt and get over the past before you move on to a totally new life.

Begin To Build A New Relationship With Your Ex-Partner

Too many couples try to drag on the dynamics of the old relationship and end up bringing the conflicts along with them.

• Accept that the old relationship is over. Concentrate on building a brand new parenting relationship as two people who care about the same child(ren).
• Be civilized and courteous to each other. Try to forget old wounds.
• Offer the respect and privileges that your ex-partner deserves as the parent of your child.
• Keep communication flowing. Give your ex-partner full and proper access.
• If a civilized, respectful relationship is impossible, avoid contact whenever possible. Allow the ex-partner full access to their child but arrange for pick-up and drop-off at times when you won't need to meet each other, such as directly from school or day care.
• Inform the school of the separation. Ensure your ex-partner will receive copies of all important school communications, including school reports and invitations to parent-teacher conferences.

Helping Your Child Adjust

Now is the time to ensure that you and your ex-partner keep communication fully open with your child.

• Make sure your children know the separation is not their fault in any way.
• Try to avoid putting blame onto either party. Explain that you both have simply grown in different directions and have decided not to live together any more.
• Reiterate that you both still love the child as much as ever. Explain that you are divorcing each other but that neither of you are divorcing the child. You are still mommy and daddy, even if you are living apart.
• Never speak ill of your ex-partner in front of your child - even if you have to bite your tongue!
• Try to reinstate routine and structure in your child's life to help your child feel secure.
• Make sure your child's school or daycare are fully aware of the changes in his or her life. Ask to be quickly informed if any behavioural changes are noticed.
• Many decisions have inevitably had to be made without your children's involvement and often, without even their knowledge. It's important to try to restore some feeling of control..
• Involve your children in less important decision-making. Let them choose how to decorate a new bedroom, what to pack to visit the other parent, which pizza to order or what clothes to wear.
• Answer your children's questions as fully and honestly as possible. Tell them where you will live, where they will go to school, how often visits to the other parent will occur and where they will take place.
• Listen.listen..listen! Encourage your children to talk about their feelings. Ensure your children understand the unconditional love you will always offer.