I recently remarried after a divorce. My wife has three children from her past marriage and I have two from a previous marriage. My Step Kids are 11, 7 and 3. Having been through the childhood thing already with my own children it took some adjusting to, but I have been giving it my all. The situation until now hasn't been ideal and my Step Son has been abusive and outright rude to both me and my wife. He refuses to take part in anything with the rest of the family. I find myself feeling trapped at home with an 11 year old Step Son who seems to dislike me a great deal. How can I get to know my Step Son and make him like me, so that we can work on a father/son relationship? I need a solution before this takes a toll on my relationship with my wife and other Step Kids.

Hello,
Looks like you have a new family to care for! New family, new challenges!

As you've said, "having been through the childhood thing already", I understand this was already an important challenge to take. It is not easy to raise a child, let alone 2, or 3. Nevertheless, some parents will say that children after the first time are usually the easiest. However, we can certainly consider that people's experiences can vary from one family to the other.

Now, "having been through the childhood thing already" also means you understand there is a history to a family. Obviously, the people we meet come to us with their own personal experiences and understanding of the world they have grown with, changing as these experiences affect them, the very same way we are affected by our own experiences.

Now what could this be like for a child to experience a separation, a period without a permanent father figure, and see a stranger taking over that role?

Let's see.

As the father subsides in the background, the Mother takes over. But as a single mom, she is confronted with challenges outside of work, and at home. Sometimes, she has to delegate some responsibilities to the oldest. Sometimes, the oldest child will appropriate for himself a status in the family. You know what this is like: being the oldest boy, one is to "be responsible", is "not a child anymore" is "almost a man now". This can become more important if the natural father is out the picture. In other words, the boy of 11 grows with a self-image of a responsible and accountable adult (even if in reality, his perception of what it is like to be an adult has nothing to do with reality).

So this can last for a while, until a new man comes around. What could the boy-who sees-himself-as-the-man-of-the-house thinks about this? "Now, who does this guy think he is taking MY place in MY home and what does he think he is doing with MY MOM?." etc are likely thoughts running in the background. Like it or not, it is possible that the boy sees you as significant a rival, as competition, and therefore, fears for his status as "man of the household", and he will defend himself as best as he can.

So what can you do about this? On one side, you want to have a good relationship with the kids of your new wife, yet, you feel you need to be taken seriously as a parent, and you need to live peacefully a life of a spouse. So what can you do? To me, it sounds like you need to first and foremost, gain their respect; fatherhood will follow naturally...

First, let's put things straight with everyone. You are not the biological father of these kids, and you will never be. You therefore cannot expect to become their father unless they decide to replace their biological father with you. And that could take a long time. So in order to get there, you have to remove any impression of being a threat. That means, making sure your role will be made clear in their eyes, and you will need their mother's assistance in that.

This means you need to tell them you do not want to replace their father. And in doing so, you cannot have the same authority as a parental figure. Your role remains important as a model, but not with the same authority. For authority to work, it needs to be acknowledged and accepted. Their mother has had all their life to make that happen in their eyes. You have been in the picture for a fraction of that time; so do not expect this to happen soon. But it can happen eventually with the right strategy.

What needs to be done after reassuring the children that you do not intend to replace their father, is for their mother needs to reassure them that you are not there to take over, but that she has chosen you as a partner in her life, and that they are invited to greet you as such. She should still be the one to discipline the children when this is needed, and your support to her should be clear, as well as acceptance of her role as the main parental figure. Now, it does not mean you cannot help her address situations, or replace her when she is not present. But it means that she has the lead.

Although you cannot pretend to be their father, you can explain to them that as the spouse of your wife, and because you are a grown man with life experiences and knowledge to share, you want to provide them with some of that.

If you have to correct their behavior and if they contest you, you can always say that this is what their mother said they should do, as she did indeed tell them, and that you are only reminding them.

Specifically with the eldest son, a straight talk (man to man) about the situation may be appreciated. Find an opportunity to take the boy aside (could be while having a burger on the patio, or outside, close to home), and explain things this way: you do not want to replace the father, and you do not want to take over. If he chooses to fight with you, that will be his fight, not yours, because your goal is not to take over, but really, to be part of a family that includes you, him, and the other children. You are looking forward to doing stuff with them, and especially with him. You can also ask him if he would be willing to give you advice on some situations, like, what he thinks of a family project. His input could be well considered (and useful) to you, but at the same time, you give him back a sense of responsibility, of participation. You let him know that you acknowledge his role in the family, what he had to do to help his mom, while his father was away, so that they could get to where they are today. Instead of taking the position of the father, you can entertain the position of the guide; mom takes care of the discipline, you take care of the education of the young boy so he can become a man. This child could also be rewarded for all the help he provided, and encouraged to keep that role as well, in the boundaries a child can understand and respect.

The worst thing would be to enforce your authority on the child, which would only aggravate your relationship with him. By leaving to the mother the discipline aspect, you have someone else taking care of the usual stuff the child is used to and respects. By allowing yourself to become gradually closer, you will earn the respect of the child, and slowly, he will listen to you. None of this is done overnight; it will take time, and patience, and it will not always work right. You will all make mistakes and hurt one another at some point. What will be important is to remember that you should recognize your own limitations, your good intentions, and walk the talk as much as is humanely possible. By acknowledging his past role, and providing him opportunities to work with you to get the family to where all of you want to be, you will make him a partner, someone who can respect you for what you allow him to be, rather than replacing him.

I understand this may not answer fully your request, and that this may even not be a complete response for your needs. I invite you to discuss this situation further with an EAP counsellor. There is a lot more to understand and explore, as well as many opportunities of growth for yourself as well as for the rest of your new family.

All the best!