I've spent the last three years helping my sister though her depression, and seeing her have her whole life come to a standstill has been difficult. Recently I've started to feel really down, and I find myself going through bouts of crying alone and snapping at people at work over minor things. I am starting to think there is also something wrong with me. I need to stay strong for my sister, but am worried that I am going down that same path of depression. What can I do to get help before things get worse?

Hello,
Thank you for sharing your situation with us. Let's try to understand what is happening to see what can be done to help you.

I understand that somehow, because your sister went through her depression, you thought you had to help her, and somehow, you feel yourself exhausted from helping.

For whoever is confronted with a close friend or family member going through depression, it is natural to want to help. The problem with helping is respecting our own limits as a helper. Sometimes, we are so keen on helping we forget that we have a life of our own that requires a lot of our time and attention. Sometimes, we also have a family to care for, as well as work obligations.

Think of this as juggling. Your usual day requires for you to juggle with balls of various size and weight; one for each of your children, one for your partner, one for friends, one for work, and a big one for yourself and one for each of responsibilities you have. You can juggle all that because juggling means that you handle two balls at a time (one per hand, while the others are up in the air, and you need to think of not dropping them). As we grow up, we learn to juggle with all our responsibilities. But when we start to care for someone else, we have to learn to juggle with another big ball, probably as big as our own. We can do some of that for a time, but we also need our rest (you can't juggle 24 hours in a row, right?). Sometimes, juggling for too long makes you less able to juggle for the following day, even if you do not have to care for someone else.

So it becomes quite understandable that when you have so many balls to juggle, a little thing coming your way seems like way too much, like the small insignificant stuff that seems to become a big thing to handle! From what you explained, I think any normal human being confronted to what you are confronted with could not react another way! It is a difficult situation!

People helping others are often called "natural helpers". They mean well and do a lot of good more often than not. But they are also caught in a situation where it can be difficult to dissociate themselves from the person and the issues and challenges they are experiencing. The emotional attachment can be such that they will literally burnout, because of the efforts invested and the lack of success in making significant change. In some circumstances, the help can even work in aggravating the situation.

A simple plan to correct the situation involves the following:

1. Respect your personal boundaries and those of your sister. You have some responsibilities to your sister, but being depressed does not mean your sister is without any responsibilities for herself. In other words, your sister is expected to do things to help her self. Practically, this means that she has to use the medication if she was provided with any, go in psychotherapy (psychotherapy and antidepressants are an excellent combination to help). She also has to follow the recommendations of her doctor. If she does not, and you find yourself pushing her to move, or insisting, or if you feel you are making all the effort for her, but she is not making herself accountable for the change required, then you are way beyond your boundaries. Sometimes, the best help to be provided is to remind people of their resources. And the necessity for them to respect the treatment they are to follow!
2. Following the respect of your own boundaries, you need to look into caring for yourself. You are your own person and you deserve to take care of yourself, not only because you helped your sister, but most of all, because of what you have to do to survive and make a living. Self-care means to eat well and regularly as well as resting regularly in appropriate amounts of time. Self-care also means that you have to take time off from everything else once in a while. Go to a movie, go out with friends, give yourself a treat (buy that item of clothing you've been longing for or that driver you need to improve your golf). It also means being with friends, not necessarily to talk about what is on your mind, but also, to talk about something other than the usual challenges, and take a "refresher of ideas".
3. If you absolutely have to assist your sister, make sure you give your time to her, but give yourself as much time for self-care. It is a bit like thinking for yourself first, so you can help in a better way. How will you help your sister if you are totally burnt out? To help, you need to be in health, in shape, and mentally at your best.
4. Finally, when too much is too much, you need to get help. Your EAP can provide you with the support to better figure out your own boundaries. The EAP can also help you manage your time, so you do not fall through the cracks of your own schedule, and keep yourself in good shape to face all the other challenges you have on the go. If necessary, the EAP can also direct you to with additional resources of support for yourself, and for your sister as well.

Helping others is great, but we need to remember that the best help we can provide, requires us to respect our own boundaries.

Hope this helps!